What stereotypes embody your zodiac sign?

Today is the day we celebrate the cliché.

Each year on Nov. 3, the tried, the mostly true and the oft-repeated get their due on National Cliché Day.

The word cliché, French in origin, was used by printers to describe the cast plates or block prints they used to replicate text and images. Later, non-printers adopted the word to describe stereotypes and repetitive phrases.

As Sagittarius sage Alain de Botton writes, “The problem with clichés is not that they contain false ideas, but rather that they are superficial articulations of very good ones. If we say that the sun is usually on fire at sunset, and the moon is discreet, then we’ll believe it is the last word on the topic. Clichés are detrimental insofar as they inspire us to believe that they adequately describe a situation while merely grazing its surface.”

Today, friends, we’ll be honoring that graze with a little rundown of the most cliché qualities of each of the 12 zodiac signs, from the rage of Aries to the praise kink of Leo, the intensity of Scorpio to the flakiness of Gemini.

Learn more by reading on.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Aries yelling to everyone and no-one.
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Aries, You’re a wild, angry id, with a tendency to pyrotechnics. You don’t so much speak the truth as hurl it at others.

Attention span is shorter than a fuse.

You’re confident despite your absolute clumsiness, and lack of tact. Your charm is similar to a child writing a poem in their own feces.

Conflicts, car accidents, the smell and sound of gasoline, or the falling ashes, make you heart skip a few beats.

Attention span is shorter than a fuse.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus: You are a couch-potato with an addiction to shopping and a dislike of cardio.

Taurus, your stubbornness, laziness and self-righteousness are unmovable. You’re incapable of accepting help or forgiveness. You prefer floor exercises to cardio and are weed-incarnate. You like house plants and often imitate them with your inactivity — but the real prize of your personal cultivation is your illustrious garden of grudges.

The first words you ever learned were “mine” and “more.” Curiously ornate, your general vibe is that of a toddler monarch, swaddled in expensive fabrics and suffering from a mysterious blood disease and an unnatural appetite. QVC is your self-soothing outlet. Al fresco Show tunes, carbohydrates and masturbation.

You are loyal but also lazy. You stay in relationships and jobs that are no longer useful.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Geminis can live on gossip and scrolling doom.

Gemini is a superficial flake, constant interruptor, and a taunter who thinks they know more than they do.

On a good day, you are unpredictable. But on the worst days, you’re illogical. You have difficulty maintaining eye contact, completing projects or operating heavy machinery. You are both inspiring and exhausting. You’re flirtatious, non-committal, and easily distracted.

You have a coyote with one eye, Donald Trump or Walt Whitman as your zodiac mascot.

You’re physically incapable of keeping secrets. If it was possible, you’d be the one to do so. Truth is an abstract idea to you. You’re known for rewriting the past, lying by omission, and confusing your opponents into forfeiture.

Walt Whitman, your zodiac symbol is a man who swings wildly between high and low. Donald Trump, and a coyote with one eye high on cocaine.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer in its natural state.
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You live in a weird, sad bird’s nest built from umbilical cords, deflated balloons, stolen strips of your ex’s clothing and the broken kaleidoscopes of other people’s dreams, Cancer.

You are a manipulator, moody and full of delusion. Feelings are your facts. Your rearview is rosy, you’re unable to move forward, and your inability to accept responsibility is nonexistent. You are narcissistic because you think everything is directed at you. 

You are a poetic person because Everything is better with a little help It hurts you.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Leo loves the spotlight.

Leo, I think you’re a glory-hog/stage mother/child star who is obsessed with your own success. You have big hair or a big ego — and probably both. You are the life of the party because you never know when to go home and can’t stand to be alone. You masturbate to your own sex tape and expect to be treated like the celebrity/second-string royalty you believe yourself to be, with comped Champagne, bent knees and kisses on your pinky ring.

You only exist if you’re being watched

You’re selfish and extravagant and cannot bear a bad angle or a supporting role. You only exist if you’re being watched and are only generous if there’s an audience.

Your pageantry and your bluster hides a deep-seated fear of being average.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos have a clear understanding of their food preferences and dislikes.
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Virgo you’re a killjoy, a snob with holsters for your hand sanitizer. You try to prolong your life by eating herbs that you think will help you survive, but you don’t seem to be able to do so.

Detail-oriented, and always in a state of existential dread and stomach ache, you never seem to be satisfied. You bind your idiosyncrasies into a sort of earth-toned armour that keeps others from believing you are fun or DTF.

You are judgmental and exacting, but secretly you love it when people disappoint because that proves you were right. You love to be slummed in relationships, because you know that if you’re needed by someone who is a codependent, broken trash monster, then you won’t ever be considered expendable.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

The Libras are flirts who will never be able to get a relationship going.

Libra: You’re a people-pleasing pushover who maintains the status quo at all costs — and to the detriment of all parties.

You are a fan of clean lines, minimalist furniture and sexting. You are more concerned with how things look rather than feel. You’d rather impress strangers than please close friends.

You’re an average cook and a world-class pot stirrer. Being in a relationship allows you to avoid having to define your self in other ways.

You’re an average cook and a world class pot stirrer.

You are a chameleon, indecisive to the point of being terminal and nice but never really kind. You’re a ruthless flirt, who will not apologize for it. But you are too cowardly and cynical to remain single for long periods of time. You’re great at interior design, airbrush makeup and cocktail parties but have no interest in developing your own interiority.

You’re a social climber whose only means of avoiding actual work is to use network connections and cheap charm.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpios are immortalized by their unending grudges.
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Scorpio, you’re intense, obsessive, and drunk on your power.

You are sexually insatiable, and you’re wildly suspicious. An emotional hoarder with a disquieting veneer, you are the aggregate of every crime boss, movie villain, pimp and femme fatale that’s ever walked the streets or lived in the cultural imagination. You believe in ghosts and the evil that is inherent in others.

You are the aggregate of every crime boss, movie villain, pimp and femme fatale that’s ever walked the streets or lived in the imagination.

You steal souls, deal in secrets, and run the proverbial stage, pulling strings and holding the lights on the stage like a draconian opera phantom.

You play the long game when it comes to revenge and are the sign most likely to break a heart — and steal a kidney.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, it is infinitely less painful to bite your tongue than to put your foot in your throat.
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You are an optimistic Bon vivant Sagittarius is allergic to commitments and is always looking for a good time.

You fancy yourself a philosopher when, in actuality, your ethos can more or less be encapsulated by a few lines from “Point Break.” You are a pedantic idealist who espouses the merits of freedom while subjecting everyone to your bulls–t.

You’ll take a set of wheels over a picket fence any day of the week and consider venereal diseases, divorce, warrants and bad tattoos the marks of a life richly lived.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns who think about ruining their credit score or sleeping with dad.
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Capricorn, you are a capitalist who punishes people and has a god complex. You put profits before people.

Your ambition is limitless and your ruthlessness has no boundaries. You take pride in your ability control, exile or deny emotional nature. Reserved and calculated, you don’t act or speak unless you’re sure of the return on investment. If it doesn’t pay, it has no purpose; if it doesn’t last, it has no appeal.

You don’t like the trivial or inefficient. You don’t believe in ghosts, astrology or second chances.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Clichés paint Aquarians as loners, space explorers and/or eccentric geniuses.
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Aquarius: you don’t have feelings and would prefer to spend your life working on a reality simulator than ever talking to a stranger.

Deep space’s deafening silence has a narcotic effect on you. As the sign for the charismatic leader of a cult, you are a weirdo who loves loose linens, mind-control, and experimental communities.

Your kink is quirk, and you’d be the first to try sex with a stranger.

You are a person who is deeply attracted to humanity, but you dislike social interaction. You are a fan of Oprah. You have slightly askew hair, you are a quirk, and would be the first to have sex an alien.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Zodiac clichés maintain that Pisces is born for romantic poetry and hard partying.
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You can be described as a combination of a manic pixie girl, sad-sack, martyr with wet eyes, nihilist wearing a turtleneck, and/or the last person standing at a birthday party, dancing to synth-pop while gulping down cheap Champagne.

Your reputation is that you show up to social gatherings with empty hands, vulnerable emotions and a half-bag. You are unable to cope with the pressures of real life and prefer to live in a Teletubby’s dream world of prescription drugs, white lies, watercolour paintings, and John Hughes film montages.

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes combine history, poetry and pop culture with personal experience. She is a talented writer and has chronicled many of her travels as well as profiled various artists. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.